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[If we're doing nachos, Intensity is opening up the tequila and starting with tequila shots]

Sure you don't want a mechanical liver.

Probably lasts longer.

[holding a shot glass for Intensity to pour into]

Why stop there? Cyborg body! Rid yourself of your flesh suit and all its many inconvenient needs. Become the transformer you always were in your heart!

[Fills it full of tequila, my friend]

Ah, but then you shut down whenever there are any actual angels in play. Or heavenly artifacts.

Only advisable for those going 100% the Hell route.

[my man ✨]

I would shut down anyway if my mechanical liver exploded inside me. If I'm going to go that far, may as well commit.

Overload and Technokinesis are both demon powers, aren't they? Seems like it might be dangerous to have on the Hell route too, depending on how many demons don't like you.

[waiting for Intensity to pick up a glass of his own before imbibing]

[He fills his own shot glass to the brim and raises it up as a toast]

Yes, well.

That's why I need to overthrow good ol' Bel before he thinks I'm a threat.

Then the dominion of technology is. all. mine.

[Bottoms up]

[cheers! he knocks his back as well]

More fool him, you're already a threat.

[picks up the bottle and tips it in his direction, a gesture like "want another one?"]

Any new developments on that front?

[Pauses before he holds his glass out]

I didn't come here to talk work.

I came here to ask about you and pep. ... Mostly you.

[fills it up]

Anything specific you want to ask about or do you just want me to start talking and see what happens?

Edited 2020-01-13 07:07 (UTC)

How about you answer my question from the game first?

If you had won, would you have kept going with no regrets?

[fills up his own glass]

Probably not.

[He throws it back... Then stares into his empty shot glass, turning it in his fingers, watching a bead of tequila rolling around at the bottom.]

Unless I'd been lucky enough to make it every round by games of chance alone, I'd probably either have hurt someone I didn't want and regretted making the promise, or refused to hurt someone and regretted breaking my promise. I take my promises seriously so I'm not sure which would be worse.

...I think you can probably relate to how bad it feels when you have to watch someone you care about getting hurt. Especially if they're doing it to themselves. It sucks! And I don't want the people who care about me to have to constantly worry I'm going to do that every time.

But I've also grown super resentful about people off-unit telling me what decisions I am and am not allowed to make for myself or my own unit. Especially when they didn't even bother to try and understand us first and don't know why we're doing things. Nobody on my unit wants to die. We deserve to live as much as anyone else. But if people are allowed to choose to hurt others to save themselves, they should be allowed to choose NOT to do that, too. And I'm mad that I gave away my agency to make other people happy.

I'm tired of hurting myself to make other people happy. I want to make myself happy. Even if that means eating it in games sometimes. I want to play on my own terms and everyone else can get bent.

...Is what I want to say. I'm sure there's a balance here somewhere and I'm still trying to figure out what it is.

Well the lineup after that was Doodles, King, and Wednesday. So if you had managed to get past Doodles, maybe you would have gotten your wish.

And no. I think you have you have the balance just right.

You should play on your own terms. And everyone else can get bent.

I think the root of your problem is that you want other people's understanding. Fuck that shit. If you're going to kill to protect your important people, prepare to be resented for it. And if you're going to fall on your sword to do the same, well then cultivate an attitude where other people don't get bent out of shape about it. Do it enough and people will eventually get tired of wasting energy on you. Even if they huff and puff about it - it's just that. Hot air.

The problem with pep is you aren't consistent. Do you want to die for others or don't you?

Of course we're not consistent. It's almost as if we're a revolving door of eight different people with different values and objectives, and a random assortment of us wind up in a game together each time. Pink will unrepentantly bus anyone to save himself. Meanwhile I hate hurting people because it makes me feel bad, and I'd rather die than feel bad, apparently. So if you get a game where you only get one of us or the other you're going to get dramatically different results, assuming this isn't the day I finally snap and murder everybody.

None of us want to die for others ever. Some of us are willing to do it sometimes.

So then how are other units supposed to know when that sometimes is?

How much of a difference do you think that makes?

The units that are comfortable hitting us are going to hit us regardless of whether we die or lash out at the end, aren't they?

It also seems bad for my unit if people assume "well, they threw a game once, so therefore they are okay with dying always, so we will always kill them because they don't mind." Screw that. I absolutely do mind.

Edited 2020-01-13 09:40 (UTC)

Sometimes not at all. But sometimes it could tip the scale.

...

Outside of me, my unit is generally soft. If they see a unit down on it's luck, they feel uncomfortable leaving it like that.

[A long pause as he thinks about how next to word this. And then --- he just goes for it]

Look. I saw what you were doing in the Castle game. My unit wanted to intervene on your behalf, but I didn't let them.

It's a fine line as I'm sure you are very aware. That could have easily been the wrong interpretation. Just a slightly different rule-set and it wouldn't have been as obvious. Or what if it had been the result of you getting dogpiled by the other units.

On the other extreme - with units like ZRAEL - I always know what they're going to do. They're predictable.

Pep - not so much.

Hmm, good point.

[he considers this over some nachos]

What do you think we should do?

Do you have a good sense of what exactly you're worth dying for? Something like a specific unit or situation. Perhaps only in games where you can broadcast what you're doing.

Hhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

[He actually has to think about this-- how to put a name on it and put it into words. He leans back in his chair and stares out at the scenery, elbow on the table, cheek in hand.]

...

...You may not have noticed this about me because I'm so extremely subtle about it, but I'm not very good at coping with grief. Sometimes my grief after these games, even the ones where we've won, has been worse, more painful, and lasts longer than some of the physical punishments I've experienced.

So if I have a choice, I'd rather pick the punishment that will make me suffer the least, whether that's winning and coming through unscathed, or taking a dive so I can get it over with and don't have to deal with weeks or months of useless angst about it. I'm tired and lazy and would rather die than let these games affect me forever.

—But, of course, that's completely useless for my unit, isn't it! Or for anyone off-unit trying to predict what I'm going to do, since nobody can read my mind.

Maybe what I want is just not compatible with reality and I need to just force myself to deal with it!

Also wrong answer.

You just have to come up with a framework that will apply to all games. One that you and your unit can live with.

What makes you suffer the least shouldn't be decided after the punishments have been doled out, but beforehand.

Let's take that guest unit game, for example. What was your strategy and why did you choose it?

["A framework that will apply to all games" ok that sounds easy]

I think the general playstyle we're settling into is, "play as lightly as possible, but once our back is finally up against the wall, fight just as much as necessary."

In the guest unit game, we had three goals, in approximately this order:

[he counts them off on his fingers]

One: don't make any unit go into debt, including ours.
Two: don't get maimed or killed.
Three: do the least amount of harm possible.

Actually winning the game wasn't one of our priorities, since winning and safety weren't related, this time. All we had to do to "win" according to our own conditions was have at least one point by the end of the game.

So we played very light -- only one card per round for the first four rounds -- with considerations put toward which cards would cause the least amount of suffering, regardless of point value, as well as which units were most likely to be able to take a hit without being harmed.

We intentionally kept our score low to discourage people from sending us maim cards, but not so low that we didn't have a buffer in case someone did.

Edited 2020-01-15 11:33 (UTC)

[He plants his palms on the balcony, leaning back and thinking about that for a moment.]

So would it be safe to say you could follow those guidelines except a little more generalized. Protect all units from extra punishments. Then pep. Then playing light or whatever priority system you use when you have to choose between the units.

That's an understandable strategy for the soft units.

But also doesn't allow you to bus yourselves as the other units will think that you are in legitimate danger.

[rubbing his chin, thinking out loud]

It also may not be an option depending on which of us is in the game at the time. The only way we'd bus ourselves as a unit is if everyone present agrees to it, and there are scant few who would, at this point. Especially our newbies, who understandably have no reason to die to protect a bunch of randos they don't care about. And we've been having a nonstop stream of newbies since Tanabata.

So maybe, from an outside perspective, it might be safer to assume we'll be playing only the bare minimum until our situation gets dire -- that we'll let ourselves get picked at and pushed around until our lives are sufficiently threatened, and then we'll claw at the edge of the cliff so we don't fall off.

Maybe if we reserved the option to throw only certain types of games? Like the ones where we all act independently, like the button or arena games. Or ones like the guest game or balloon game, where the only way to assist other units is to refrain from hitting them in the first place. That way, units couldn't be tempted to risk themselves to help us.

...Not a ton of flexibility, but maybe more than nothing...?

Do you think that would help us be more predictable...?

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