[ DISAPPOINTING. s-sorry for that really disturbing but genuine wave of disappointment. But at least with it comes a feeling of acceptance; it's only fair, after all, that he agree to it. ]
My best friend from back home was one of them. He told me that the person who staged the coup and drove me from my home- was my cousin. All this time, I thought he died in the upheaval... but Hak all but confirmed that my cousin killed my father.
it's so strange. didn't she cry so long she almost fell asleep when she first found out? So how come--now--she can say this with dry eyes? Without even a catch in her throat? How come--thinking about the death of her father, or the betrayal of someone she thought she loved
it means nothing. It's hollow.
Cobalt... and Wednesday and Kija... were right. ]
.... I think--there's something very wrong with me.
Yes. Two parts of your soul were burned. And if our souls are what make us who we are, it makes sense that you would feel a little different now, without those pieces.
[he has... the STRONGEST desire to pull her into a hug or pet her head or SOMETHING, but he has no idea how the current Hiryuu would react to that so he's behaving himself.]
But don't worry, I heard it's only temporary. I'm sure you'll be feeling like yourself again soon.
[ the good news is she wouldn't freak out or do anything to try to harm one of them. the bad news is... it probably wouldn't provide much comfort. ]
I thought--since my memories were back--I was okay.
[ She should have known better. She feels like a fool. A low, dark feeling that gnaws at the gut and makes ones shoulders feel heavy begins to creep in like fog. ]
To be fair, it's really hard to tell from the inside when stuff like that happens.
I didn't tell you this, but I asked someone on Bad End to use their powers to rewrite some of my memories. Even though I have proof that the change happened, from my perspective, I can't tell that anything's different at all.
[ >tmw someone has to specify that they died in a bad way in the House of Mirth. >as opposed to the many other unpleasant and horrible ways to die in that house.
even without her empathy, hiryuu finds herself a little unsettled by this knowledge ]
[ well she definitely doesn't want to argue that point because it's clear it helped him. but
she wonders if that's universally true for everyone. maybe, maybe not--depending on the severity of the memory.... Which is essentially what he just said, so.
--There's an initial, knee-jerk uncertainty (a defensive feeling along the lines of self-preservation?) quickly followed by a longer, deeper introspective feeling as she mulls these thoughts over leading to a gradual feeling of agreement and acceptance. ]
I see. That's good then, that it helped you.
[ her congratulations still feels rather empty, but--there is,,, a faint sensation, the tiniest sliver of sincerity like the edge of sunrise peeking over the dark earth. ]
Before I asked for my memory to be changed, I wrote it down. Now I can compare what I remember to what I wrote. So I know what happened, but now I can't recall the specific sensory details that I kept having flashbacks about. And my panic attacks have been getting a lot less severe since then.
If I change my mind later, I can always ask for those memories back. I don't miss them, though.
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Re: Hiryuu
she shrugs; there's a feeling of--not apathy, exactly, but an emptiness where concern should be. ]
It'll all work out. Say, are you playing, Cobalt?
Re: Hiryuu
—Though I'm gonna tell you now that I'm not up for anything involving pain. So no stabbing, no killing, and torture is right off the table.
The rest is negotiable.
Re: Hiryuu
All right. A secret that hurts to keep, then?
Re: Hiryuu
Oh, sure. Something on your mind?
Re: Hiryuu
Well, I'm not sure if I believe it myself, however.... you remember when all of those temporary units were created?
Re: Hiryuu
Re: Hiryuu
Re: Hiryuu
[a knot of sympathy]
Hiryuu, I'm sorry.
Re: Hiryuu
it's so strange. didn't she cry so long she almost fell asleep when she first found out? So how come--now--she can say this with dry eyes? Without even a catch in her throat? How come--thinking about the death of her father, or the betrayal of someone she thought she loved
it means nothing. It's hollow.
Cobalt... and Wednesday and Kija... were right. ]
.... I think--there's something very wrong with me.
Re: Hiryuu
[he has... the STRONGEST desire to pull her into a hug or pet her head or SOMETHING, but he has no idea how the current Hiryuu would react to that so he's behaving himself.]
But don't worry, I heard it's only temporary. I'm sure you'll be feeling like yourself again soon.
Re: Hiryuu
I thought--since my memories were back--I was okay.
[ She should have known better. She feels like a fool. A low, dark feeling that gnaws at the gut and makes ones shoulders feel heavy begins to creep in like fog. ]
Re: Hiryuu
I didn't tell you this, but I asked someone on Bad End to use their powers to rewrite some of my memories. Even though I have proof that the change happened, from my perspective, I can't tell that anything's different at all.
Re: Hiryuu
[ he said "rewrite," but she parses it as "erase" since the truth is effectively gone. ]
... Why?
Re: Hiryuu
I kept having upsetting flashbacks about it, so I asked that the memory be changed to something easier to cope with. Apparently.
Re: Hiryuu
>as opposed to the many other unpleasant and horrible ways to die in that house.
even without her empathy, hiryuu finds herself a little unsettled by this knowledge ]
I see.... has it helped you, do you think?
Re: Hiryuu
Turns out, some memories are probably not worth hanging onto.
Re: Hiryuu
she wonders if that's universally true for everyone. maybe, maybe not--depending on the severity of the memory.... Which is essentially what he just said, so.
--There's an initial, knee-jerk uncertainty (a defensive feeling along the lines of self-preservation?) quickly followed by a longer, deeper introspective feeling as she mulls these thoughts over leading to a gradual feeling of agreement and acceptance. ]
I see. That's good then, that it helped you.
[ her congratulations still feels rather empty, but--there is,,, a faint sensation, the tiniest sliver of sincerity like the edge of sunrise peeking over the dark earth. ]
Re: Hiryuu
...You seem concerned.
Re: Hiryuu
[ missing the significance, though ]
You don't worry you might have forgotten something important? Something... you needed?
Re: Hiryuu
So, no.
Re: Hiryuu
I... wasn't sure you remembered what you'd asked to be removed.
Re: Hiryuu
If I change my mind later, I can always ask for those memories back. I don't miss them, though.