[There is genuine surprise at both the unease and annoyance. And like Cobalt, it only lasts for a moment before that is flagged as something to be inspected thoroughly at a later and more appropriate time. (Which honestly because this is Intensity may be never.)
And instead focuses on staying as still as possible for Cobalt to do his work.
There are occasional spikes of uncomfortable poking and prodding as the needles work into his skin. But certainly it all pales in comparison to what they've all been through at Imeeji. So it's a minor inconvenience at best.]
[He tries to make it quick while still working carefully, making sure not to linger in any one spot too long.
Eventually he turns off the gun and wipes the fresh tattoo clean with a damp cloth, which he has made cold with his powers to try and ease the discomfort.]
There.
...That looks pretty cool!
[He takes a photo and leans forward to offer his phone to Intensity so he can see (and/or delete the photo, if he wants).]
[This freehand drawing is going straight into Blue Eyes's treasure hoard.
The real prize out of this game]
And miss out on the opportunity to get points for it next time one of these stupid games roll around. Pass. Have to leave the audience wanting for more.
I'm good on tattoos, I think. Hmm what else could we do....
[he sets the gun down and goes over the list of tasks.
He kinda wants to try doing something from the 5-point list because Intensity's one of the few people he'd be willing to do some of those with (still not that many, though.) But... some of these kinda seem like downers...]
[anxiousness is ratcheting up to full-blown fear. This is probably a mistake. You definitely shouldn't do this, because once it's out there you can't walk it back, you really ought to not]
The secret is that...
[no no don't do it it's not too late to change your mind what if we stop and go on a car ride instead you can still get points for a car ride why does it have to be a secret why does it have to be this secret]
I think...
[what if he uses this information against you what if he uses it against someone else this is dangerous what if you regret it what if this winds up being a mistake what if you're wrong what if you don't understand anything please don't say it don't say it oh my gods this information can only be used to hurt you please don't say it change the subject do anything else don't say it]
I am in...
[no you're wrong it isn't how you think it is it isn't really like that this isn't really love you don't know what love is it's because you're gullible and it's easy for people to use you and hurt you and lead you on but not mean it it's embarrassing it's shameful and you should be ashamed because you're stupid and it's not possible for people to feel that way about you but no that's not true you felt it it's probably true but that doesn't seem right and you're probably making a mistake and talking about it is a mistake and intensity's going to hurt you if you tell him but intensity probably wouldn't because he's never hurt you so far but what if he does this time what if he understands things better than you do what if he hurts you what if he laughs at you for being so stupid you're an embarrassment you shouldn't say this are you even allowed to say it are you selling yourself out for five points in a fucking game when you should just be quiet and protect yourself what the FUCK are you DOING this is terrifying i'm so scared i'm SCARED STOP STOP STOPSTOPSTOP]
These are Intensity-levels of overthinking and if he strips away all of those godawful feelings words, these are also very highly relatable thoughts.
Is it bad that there are some camaraderie feelings there? Well, if it is, THAT'S TOO BAD because they get sent right back over the bond. That kind of high-key buzzing fear that if people know what is important to you, they will turn on a dime and use it against you. That people will up and leave you because---]
Ifrit's infernal asshole, pull your shit together, man.
Give him a moment while he tries to calm down. He's embarrassing himself and he knows it -- knows he's being ridiculous but he can't seem to not feel terrified about this. He felt the camaraderie so maybe Intensity knows where he's coming from? But he's still. feeling very exposed and ashamed.]
I doubt anyone cares that I'm in a relationship. And even if they do, that's not going to change what I'm doing.
The reason I don't like talking about it is because even good-natured teasing makes me feel disproportionately hurt and scared, and I hate the idea of putting weapons in other people's hands and making it easy to hurt me.
People who want to hurt you will use this to your advantage. But that would be the case regardless of whatever label you put on it. Relationship or otherwise. The only difference is mow you're pointing a giant flashing arrow at it.
[But he stays quiet for a moment, thinking best about how to respond.
But perhaps the emotions will speak for him (for once). There's the hurt of an old scar that is never going to fully heal but also never gets louder than a dull throb and the occasional sharp pang as a reminder now and again. The contentment of being comfortable - like a person was lost and found again. Or no, not quite. Of being better, pushed to become the best version of oneself. Even if there is the underlying apprehension that the house of cards could crumble at any second]
Really, there are only two options.
You don't pursue and you live with the loss of it. Or you do, and you live with the fear of losing it.
Both options involve pain. There isn't any way around that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And instead focuses on staying as still as possible for Cobalt to do his work.
There are occasional spikes of uncomfortable poking and prodding as the needles work into his skin. But certainly it all pales in comparison to what they've all been through at Imeeji. So it's a minor inconvenience at best.]
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Eventually he turns off the gun and wipes the fresh tattoo clean with a damp cloth, which he has made cold with his powers to try and ease the discomfort.]
There.
...That looks pretty cool!
[He takes a photo and leans forward to offer his phone to Intensity so he can see (and/or delete the photo, if he wants).]
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That's one objective off his bucket list]
Not bad.
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[are you sure you don't want a freehand Blue Eyes on you?]
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The real prize out of this game]
And miss out on the opportunity to get points for it next time one of these stupid games roll around. Pass. Have to leave the audience wanting for more.
And you?
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[he sets the gun down and goes over the list of tasks.
He kinda wants to try doing something from the 5-point list because Intensity's one of the few people he'd be willing to do some of those with (still not that many, though.) But... some of these kinda seem like downers...]
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I guess I could....
....tell you a secret....
[Uncomfortable and uncertain about this idea, but also... what would it be like if he were a courageous person? What would that feel like?]
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Math Lady meme.exe.
But also, he's not going to say no, so---
But courageous? Hah. There's no such thing.
On Intensity's end, it simple boils down to a statement and a follow through. Nothing more brave than that]
And what secret is that?
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...If I tell you, could you please, please promise me you won't tell anyone else?
[nervous, anxiety is ramping up at high speed]
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And is this something you'd risk having show up on fanmail?
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Please promise me?
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And you know I can keep a secret.
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[anxiousness is ratcheting up to full-blown fear. This is probably a mistake. You definitely shouldn't do this, because once it's out there you can't walk it back, you really ought to not]
The secret is that...
[no no don't do it it's not too late to change your mind what if we stop and go on a car ride instead you can still get points for a car ride why does it have to be a secret why does it have to be this secret]
I think...
[what if he uses this information against you what if he uses it against someone else this is dangerous what if you regret it what if this winds up being a mistake what if you're wrong what if you don't understand anything please don't say it don't say it oh my gods this information can only be used to hurt you please don't say it change the subject do anything else don't say it]
I am in...
[no you're wrong it isn't how you think it is it isn't really like that this isn't really love you don't know what love is it's because you're gullible and it's easy for people to use you and hurt you and lead you on but not mean it it's embarrassing it's shameful and you should be ashamed because you're stupid and it's not possible for people to feel that way about you but no that's not true you felt it it's probably true but that doesn't seem right and you're probably making a mistake and talking about it is a mistake and intensity's going to hurt you if you tell him but intensity probably wouldn't because he's never hurt you so far but what if he does this time what if he understands things better than you do what if he hurts you what if he laughs at you for being so stupid you're an embarrassment you shouldn't say this are you even allowed to say it are you selling yourself out for five points in a fucking game when you should just be quiet and protect yourself what the FUCK are you DOING this is terrifying i'm so scared i'm SCARED STOP STOP STOPSTOPSTOP]
a rela...tion.......ship.
[PANIC]
1/2
Cobalt, are you okay?
These are Intensity-levels of overthinking and if he strips away all of those godawful feelings words, these are also very highly relatable thoughts.
Is it bad that there are some camaraderie feelings there? Well, if it is, THAT'S TOO BAD because they get sent right back over the bond. That kind of high-key buzzing fear that if people know what is important to you, they will turn on a dime and use it against you. That people will up and leave you because---]
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Do I get to ask a follow up question?
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Sure.
[inside, he's a churning vortex of terror and shame, what up]
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Cobalt please.
Those are some mixed signals]
Well. Just don't answer then. If it bothers you.
Do you want to continue to pursue this relationship?
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Yes.
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If you want something, go for it.
Fuck the rest.
[As if it was that simple.
It's not that simple AT ALL.]
1/4
[He takes a deep breath.
Ifrit's infernal asshole, pull your shit together, man.
Give him a moment while he tries to calm down. He's embarrassing himself and he knows it -- knows he's being ridiculous but he can't seem to not feel terrified about this. He felt the camaraderie so maybe Intensity knows where he's coming from? But he's still. feeling very exposed and ashamed.]
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Let me try this again.
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The reason I don't like talking about it is because even good-natured teasing makes me feel disproportionately hurt and scared, and I hate the idea of putting weapons in other people's hands and making it easy to hurt me.
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Sorry. This was a lot more than I anticipated.
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[But he stays quiet for a moment, thinking best about how to respond.
But perhaps the emotions will speak for him (for once). There's the hurt of an old scar that is never going to fully heal but also never gets louder than a dull throb and the occasional sharp pang as a reminder now and again. The contentment of being comfortable - like a person was lost and found again. Or no, not quite. Of being better, pushed to become the best version of oneself. Even if there is the underlying apprehension that the house of cards could crumble at any second]
Really, there are only two options.
You don't pursue and you live with the loss of it. Or you do, and you live with the fear of losing it.
Both options involve pain. There isn't any way around that.
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[He takes a deep breath and smiles, a little tight, trying very hard to summon some levity (a self-soothing mechanism.)]
The third option is to pursue it but get cagey and evasive anytime someone approaches the subject.
As much as I'd prefer to keep it to myself and have everyone leave me alone, a part of me wonders what it's like to be open about it.
...Do you think it's any easier?
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