People who want to hurt you will use this to your advantage. But that would be the case regardless of whatever label you put on it. Relationship or otherwise. The only difference is mow you're pointing a giant flashing arrow at it.
[But he stays quiet for a moment, thinking best about how to respond.
But perhaps the emotions will speak for him (for once). There's the hurt of an old scar that is never going to fully heal but also never gets louder than a dull throb and the occasional sharp pang as a reminder now and again. The contentment of being comfortable - like a person was lost and found again. Or no, not quite. Of being better, pushed to become the best version of oneself. Even if there is the underlying apprehension that the house of cards could crumble at any second]
Really, there are only two options.
You don't pursue and you live with the loss of it. Or you do, and you live with the fear of losing it.
Both options involve pain. There isn't any way around that.
[3000% percent baffled that Cobalt would be asking him for relationship advice, considering that the destruction made by his make train wrecks look serene by comparison.
Sir.
He murder-kissed one in the House.
Trails after the other like an inter-dimensional stalker.
And the third he insists is a no-feelings affair.
S I R]
Why are you asking me?
This is about you. You tell me if it's any easier.
[Would you believe it's because he's seen Intensity unrepentantly making out with King in public and really admires that confidence? That sometimes he wonders what it's like to not give any fucks like that, and just do what he wants without being a scared baby about it? That he has a difficult time imagining Intensity getting his feelings hurt over friendly teasing and really wishes he had that kind of fortitude?]
Couldn't tell you.
Do you have any more questions about this before I change the subject forever?
[The thing about non-monogamy is that it requires more than one person to be interested in you at the same time. One already seems like a stretch, especially for someone who is inherently not a candidate for that kind of love, not a person that anyone would see that way. You're not attractive, not impressive, not special, not suave; the only time anyone ever shows you that kind of attention is when you're the butt of a joke, when they'll act interested to your face and laugh behind your back; they treat you nicely because you're gullible and easy to trick and you take them seriously when they're just laughing at your reaction, laughing with each other about how you bought it, laughing about how nobody would actually be interested in you and that's the joke, it's funny when you think someone would love you, but even still your stupidity is useful, they can get what they want from you and you'll never see it coming because you can't tell the difference, and your "relationship" is probably more of the same, a funny joke, feelings that are led along but aren't reciprocated, but you're useful and you'll give and give and give forever and everyone's in on it but you, it's not because they want you it's because they want something from you and you can't tell the difference and that's the joke and if you say it out loud you'll just be the joke again, it's all a funny lie at your expense that anyone could ever love you.]
[Intensity's eyes just get wider and wider as the feeling and stream of consciousness don't seem to be stopping. And suddenly he understands why Cobalt would want to use Cloud Nine to enjoy just a little bit of the void among all that white noise.
There's an internal mental struggle of should he say something or should he not say something.
Has Intensity ever known restraint once in his life?
Unfortunately no.
Sorry, Cobalt]
You're better than whatever dipshit put those ideas in your head. Raise your standards. They weren't worth your time.
[Cuz that sure as hell didn't come for the normal trauma suspects - aka parents]
But yes. Fast car ride.
[And Intensity turns on his heel, not waiting to see if Cobalt is following]
Unfortunately, it's not that easy to change (what you believe know is) a fundamental truth about who you are as a person. Cobalt is unlovable and gullible and stupid in the same way that he's tall and his hair is black. It's just how he is.
However, even in middle of this (normal and routine) horrible nightmare maelstrom of insecurity, suspicion, terror, heartbreak, and shame (which happens every time this subject is ever broached) he feels... appreciative, that Intensity cared enough to try. It's stuff like that that helps him feel cared for and comforted, even though he's... the way he is.
That said, he is also extremely grateful for the opportunity to stop talking (and thinking) about this.
[If Intensity is even feeling those emotions of uncertainty, he doesn't show it. (That's denial - his best quality.) And instead there is just the steady thrum of enjoying someone's company, the comfortable ease of not having to put on airs, plus the added thrill of being goaded to show off.
The roof is down so he hops dramatically into the driver's seat without opening the car door.]
[All of this is just... terribly endearing. He tries to smother that thought (what if Intensity hears it?!) but makes no effort to conceal the growing sense of appreciation for this kindness, or the way happiness is gradually starting to replace the gnawing sense of dread from a moment before.
Amused, he gets into the car and fastens his seatbelt like a normal person.]
[Hope you're buckled up, Cobalt. Because he's flooring it. The speedometer dangerously wobbling upwards of what's even measured as the tires squeal against the pavement.]
[His back pops in several places as he's pressed into his seat by the amount of G they're probably pulling.
All the bad nonsense in his head is swept away instantly, replaced by the loudest, most giddy exhilaration and manic joy, and completely unshakable trust in Intensity's driving.
For the first time in a while, he feels absolutely zero fear.]
Because they are taking the scenic route as Intensity turns dangerously sharp so they can follow the perimeter of Tokyo Bay.
His own thoughts are clearing blanked out, since he's thoroughly concentrated on driving. But there is the smug satisfaction that distraction is, in fact, legitimate medicine.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[But he stays quiet for a moment, thinking best about how to respond.
But perhaps the emotions will speak for him (for once). There's the hurt of an old scar that is never going to fully heal but also never gets louder than a dull throb and the occasional sharp pang as a reminder now and again. The contentment of being comfortable - like a person was lost and found again. Or no, not quite. Of being better, pushed to become the best version of oneself. Even if there is the underlying apprehension that the house of cards could crumble at any second]
Really, there are only two options.
You don't pursue and you live with the loss of it. Or you do, and you live with the fear of losing it.
Both options involve pain. There isn't any way around that.
no subject
[He takes a deep breath and smiles, a little tight, trying very hard to summon some levity (a self-soothing mechanism.)]
The third option is to pursue it but get cagey and evasive anytime someone approaches the subject.
As much as I'd prefer to keep it to myself and have everyone leave me alone, a part of me wonders what it's like to be open about it.
...Do you think it's any easier?
no subject
Sir.
He murder-kissed one in the House.
Trails after the other like an inter-dimensional stalker.
And the third he insists is a no-feelings affair.
S I R]
Why are you asking me?
This is about you. You tell me if it's any easier.
no subject
Couldn't tell you.
Do you have any more questions about this before I change the subject forever?
no subject
No questions. Just a comment.
And that's do whatever the fuck you want and fuck the haters. Or even the non-haters. Fuck them, too.
/2
It sounds like you're monogamous.
1/2
no subject
...Who can say.
Can we go on a fast car ride next?
[please help]
no subject
There's an internal mental struggle of should he say something or should he not say something.
Has Intensity ever known restraint once in his life?
Unfortunately no.
Sorry, Cobalt]
You're better than whatever dipshit put those ideas in your head. Raise your standards. They weren't worth your time.
[Cuz that sure as hell didn't come for the normal trauma suspects - aka parents]
But yes. Fast car ride.
[And Intensity turns on his heel, not waiting to see if Cobalt is following]
no subject
Unfortunately, it's not that easy to change (what you
believeknow is) a fundamental truth about who you are as a person. Cobalt is unlovable and gullible and stupid in the same way that he's tall and his hair is black. It's just how he is.However, even in middle of this (normal and routine) horrible nightmare maelstrom of insecurity, suspicion, terror, heartbreak, and shame (which happens every time this subject is ever broached) he feels... appreciative, that Intensity cared enough to try. It's stuff like that that helps him feel cared for and comforted, even though he's... the way he is.
That said, he is also extremely grateful for the opportunity to stop talking (and thinking) about this.
Which is to say, he follows.]
no subject
This is probably due to the fact that it drives up to meet them like a well-trained puppy.]
You want to drive?
no subject
—When I have the opportunity to ride in a car you're driving with your mind? No way, I want to see what you can do.
no subject
The roof is down so he hops dramatically into the driver's seat without opening the car door.]
If you insist.
no subject
Amused, he gets into the car and fastens his seatbelt like a normal person.]
Show me what you've got!
no subject
no subject
All the bad nonsense in his head is swept away instantly, replaced by the loudest, most giddy exhilaration and manic joy, and completely unshakable trust in Intensity's driving.
For the first time in a while, he feels absolutely zero fear.]
no subject
Because they are taking the scenic route as Intensity turns dangerously sharp so they can follow the perimeter of Tokyo Bay.
His own thoughts are clearing blanked out, since he's thoroughly concentrated on driving. But there is the smug satisfaction that distraction is, in fact, legitimate medicine.]