[He actually has to think about this-- how to put a name on it and put it into words. He leans back in his chair and stares out at the scenery, elbow on the table, cheek in hand.]
...
...You may not have noticed this about me because I'm so extremely subtle about it, but I'm not very good at coping with grief. Sometimes my grief after these games, even the ones where we've won, has been worse, more painful, and lasts longer than some of the physical punishments I've experienced.
So if I have a choice, I'd rather pick the punishment that will make me suffer the least, whether that's winning and coming through unscathed, or taking a dive so I can get it over with and don't have to deal with weeks or months of useless angst about it. I'm tired and lazy and would rather die than let these games affect me forever.
1/2
[He actually has to think about this-- how to put a name on it and put it into words. He leans back in his chair and stares out at the scenery, elbow on the table, cheek in hand.]
...
...You may not have noticed this about me because I'm so extremely subtle about it, but I'm not very good at coping with grief. Sometimes my grief after these games, even the ones where we've won, has been worse, more painful, and lasts longer than some of the physical punishments I've experienced.
So if I have a choice, I'd rather pick the punishment that will make me suffer the least, whether that's winning and coming through unscathed, or taking a dive so I can get it over with and don't have to deal with weeks or months of useless angst about it. I'm tired and lazy and would rather die than let these games affect me forever.